


Moments Out of Time

by faithinthepoor



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-15
Updated: 2013-01-15
Packaged: 2017-11-25 15:01:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/640087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithinthepoor/pseuds/faithinthepoor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during Ghost and written when that was one of the few episodes of SVU that I had actually seen</p>
            </blockquote>





	Moments Out of Time

She should never have let this happen, there is nothing that they were going to achieve by taking this massive step backwards other than monumental pain and suffering. Olivia seems to agree with her assessment as she has pointedly ignored her since she rolled off the top of her and Alex is sure that if the other woman did not have a professional stake in remaining in the apartment that she would be running out the door. The brunette may not be able to leave outright but she moves to make the only exit that she can, gathering the sheet around her as she edges off the bed and backs out of the room, collecting her discarded clothing as she goes.

Alex lies on the bed, stripped of covering now that Olivia has stolen it, and contemplates the pros and cons of asking her to come back. She feels like Janus, blindly weighing options, both of which could lead to her doom – does she spend the rest of her life regretting not taking advantage of the gift of time with Olivia or does she dig her grave deeper by seizing this opportunity to be with herand in doing so possibly permanently open wounds that have only begun to heal. In the end it doesn’t really seem like that much of a contest, “Please come back.”

“No. We never should have let this go this far and I am not just talking about the fact that I am failing in my duty to watch over you. We both know that I have never had been good with professional boundaries when it comes to you. I probably shouldn’t be here in the first place. Whatever happens tomorrow I don’t think it’s going to end with you and I riding off into the sunset. Falling back into bed with you is just going to make it that much harder for me to be without you and to know that you will probably be with _him_ ,” she spits the word out as though it is poison, “so I am going to go and get dressed and you are going to get some rest before tomorrow.”

“Olivia I could die tomorrow and even if I don’t, I will have to go back to a life that isn’t really living, just for tonight I want to feel that I am alive.”

Olivia surrenders and returns to the bed, “But no more sex, I need to believe I have some dignity.”

“That’s okay, all I really want is for you to hold me.” They don’t talk for the rest of the night, she’s glad about that, it’s safer for both of them. Olivia succumbs to sleep somewhere around dawn, her head on Alex’s chest and her arms wrapped firmly around her, as though, if she holds on tight enough, she can protect her from her fate. She finally allows herself to cry, everyone thinks that her fear in coming to testify lies in the fact that she might be signing her own execution warrant but it’s hard to fear death if you don’t feel alive. Her fear lies beside her, a living breathing, representation of all that she has lost. ‘Emily’ may smile and laugh with her co-workers and she may arch her back and moan at all the right times when she is in bed with the man that she is seeing but she craves her old life. She can’t forget that being a prosecutor meant something to her; so much so that her current job seems like pointless busy work, nor can she deny that the man in her bed is not the woman in her dreams. Sometimes she cries herself to sleep at night, sometimes she can’t sleep and sometimes she sneaks out of bed, careful not to wake him, and scrubs herself in the shower to the point where her skin feels so raw that it may bleed. She bends her head down and buries her face in Olivia’s hair, it’s longer again, she always liked it better this way, when there was more to run her fingers though, and places a gentle kiss on her crown. She knows that no matter what happens tomorrow, this will be the last time that she spends the night with the woman whom she is fairly certain will turn out to be the great love of her life and she realises that she will need to relocate because she can’t betray her by returning to Wisconsin, returning to him. She would stay here, after all it’s where she belongs and she no longer really cares if she lives or dies but that might actually change if she was here, if she had something to live for, if she had Olivia, it’s an interesting double bind. The decision isn’t hard though, she has to leave, she may be willing to be reckless with her own life but she would never willingly put Olivia at risk and if being without her will keep her safe, then that is what she has to do.


End file.
